I just saw a hot homeless man
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
