I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
