Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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