she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
