I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
