i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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