i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Is it penis luge time yet?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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