I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
