I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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