I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
