He asked to "fluff my boner.."
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
