do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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