you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
