not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
