We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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