I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Alive.
So much puke
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
