"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
