I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize