I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
