Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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