He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
