i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Less talking, more tequila
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
