I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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