piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
