Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
