First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize