I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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