this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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