I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
