I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
