yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize