There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
