If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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