A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
