I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
