when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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