I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize