i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
