maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
pray to the hookup gods
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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