she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
