She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
