Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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