last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
