This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize