i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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