Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
