I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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