My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
