so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
