I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
