He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
