she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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