Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
