areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
