my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
