I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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