Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
