Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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