I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
